Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
