She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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