He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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