if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just invented taco cereal.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
