I'll bet she douches with gravy.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
