i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
