i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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