You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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