Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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