3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
