Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
