when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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