I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
