he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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