dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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