I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
