god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize