I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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