also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
