these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
