I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
