I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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