In the future we'll all be gay
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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