I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
