Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
