just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
