dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My breasts were aching with rage.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
