So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
