wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
