I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
