before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm bleeding and have questions
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
