im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
