Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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