I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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