does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
