My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
