I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
