Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I will pee on everything he values.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
