I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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