I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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