I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
50% drunk capacity currently
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
