Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
worst night to have a conscience
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
