I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
