So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
