There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
