Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
