Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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