K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
