I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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