I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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