just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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